i fucking hate easter candy. because of it, i recently gained five pounds, but it is yet to be determined whether it is a permanent five pounds or the you-better-stop-this message from god five pounds. i sat on the scale feeling more depressed and defeated then ever. however, not taking chances, i put all of the candy into a bag, gave it to my mom, and told her to hide it until i lost the five pounds. as a deal, she said she wouldnt smoke until i did. if she saw me eating candy, shed get to smoke, and vice versa. i think this is the best way to have her quit smoking and lose weight at the same time.

ive lost motivation to exercise, not due to laziness but because of all the weird men in trucks up the street building all of the new houses. i just get a bad feeling about them, so im staying away. plus, im working now, so ill be able to buy my treadmill soon which will of course be amazing.

back on my diet. moms quitting smoking. treadmill soon. work now. money soon.

as an extra plus the boy and i have been getting along better than ever.
and its to an extreme.... i dont know what i was ever thinking.

well i think thats all.

i dont know whats been going on lately, pretty much just been hanging around the house.

my boss called me the other day, asking if i could work this weekend, easter weekend, and i told her i would. its only from 1o-5, which leaves me ample time to get to joshs house for easter dinner. were postponing ours till my brother comes home next weekend, since pennstate rules his life. but whatever, at least ill be home for that.

this whole not doing anything gig has been working for me, i feel a lot better.
and for some reason i cant wait to get to work so i can do nothing & get paid.
its fun, so i guess its doing nothing. technically.

i switched up my diet a little bit to see what would happen.
i lost three pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 26 pounds.
five more till my prom goal. ten more till my overall goal.
which means i have to bring my dress in to get altered.
all five hundred and seventy dollars of it...

well im off to the bank to open a new checking account.
lets see what happens this week....

highlights of the past two weeks:

1. ESU accepted student day. Went alright, i guess.
2. Dropped one jean size, which means prom dress will have to be altered.
3. Bedroom is redone and ive never slept better.
4. First time in a while the boy and i havent felt tension.
5. Saturday is the first time in a while well be going on a "date."

i really dont feel like explaining any of them, but i guess things have been going alright. as of now im just waiting to hear back about my scholarship applications, and whatever money ill get from FAFSA. not paying for anything for college has become both a goal and an obsession. either way ill be putting myself through, so i guess i should be proud of all of the accomplishments ive made over the past five months. still, nothing ever feels good enough. im sick of trying to be something that i dont feel i am, and im just trying to get back to the simple things. i took a book out of the library and i just finished it today. i used to love reading, i dont know why i stopped. i also went running for a couple miles today. i love that too and for some reason i stopped. i dont know, i guess ive become disconnected with myself over the past few weeks because of the stress of school and financial aid and figuring out what im doing with my life. i think the relaxing ive been doing lately has been good for the boy too.. i feel terrible about the way ive been acting, and although its like he doesnt notice, i notice the change. ive never seen anyone love a person more than he loves me, and hes treats me like someone truly special.

i need to just calm down. i dont know why im so tense all the time.

i think i need to make a few more changes in my life.

change of plans, new goal:

- to become a healthy, pleasant, unstressed person.

lets see how easily that goal is obtained...

so i guess its finally decided that i will definitely be attending esu in the fall. i guess it doesnt make sense to anyone to turn down a full ride, but to me it does. my heart belongs at pennstate, and i know ill regret this in the future, no matter how successful i am. but i guess thats how it goes.... most of my friends are going there too, so i guess its not half bad. but what bothers me the most is that half the people i know didnt even apply anywhere yet, and have the nerve to ask when the deadline is. when is the deadline?! are you fucking kidding me!? how about i applied in september, and i really couldnt even tell you. way to stay on top of things when its most important, assholes.

so anyway, i fell off of the dieting wagon for a couple days, mostly due to saint pattys day. corned beef is loaded with shitty stuff, i know, but mom only makes it once a year so i took advantage. plus, with garrett being back, it means all of those wonderful comfort foods that i swore off for the past two months. i guess losing twenty pounds in two months isnt bad.. and i deserve to do what i want certain days, but i need to stop. i woke up this morning so puffed i couldnt even function, and i considered staying home because i was so disgusted with myself. but it doesnt matter... its monday, which means that for the rest of the week ill be eating healthy stuff... so i guess im okay. its not like im trying to loose weight for the clothes or anything retarded, i just dont want to be overweight, or unhealthy or whatever that may lead to.

besides all of this, once i sucked it up and got to school, householder sprung a surprise essay on us. which is fine i guess, i mean its not like i didnt know what i was talking about, but after not being at school in a few days and trying to finish all of the work that was due, it was kind of unnecessary. then in everyday law i guess sanker went a little too far in his explanation of statutory rape, and it was just really awkward for everybody. i dont know, i guess what im trying to say is that it was a very weird, and awkward day.

i need to stop doing what ive been doing...

so i guess its finally decided that i will definately be attending esu in the fall. i guess it doesnt make sense to anyone to turn down a full ride, but to me it does. my heart belongs at pennstate, and i know ill regret this in the future, no matter how successful i am. but i guess thats how it goes.... most of my friends are going there too, so i guess its not half bad. but what bothers me the most is that half the people i know didnt even apply anywhere yet, and have the nerve to ask when the deadline is. when is the deadline?! are you fucking kidding me!? how about i applied in september, and i really couldnt even tell you. way to stay on top of things when its most important, assholes.

so anyway, i fell off of the dieting wagon for a couple days, mostly due to saint pattys day. corned beef is loaded with shitty stuff, i know, but mom only makes it once a year so i took advantage. plus, with garrett being back, it means all of those wonderful comfort foods that i swore off for the past two months. i guess losing twenty pounds in two months isnt bad.. and i deserve to do what i want certain days, but i need to stop. i woke up this morning so puffed i couldnt even function, and i considered staying home because i was so disgusted with myself. but it doesnt matter... its monday, which means that for the rest of the week ill be eating healthy stuff... so i guess im okay. its not like im trying to loose weight for the clothes or anything retarded, i just dont want to be overweight, or unhealthy or whatever that may lead to.

besides all of this, once i sucked it up and got to school, householder sprung a surprise essay on us. which is fine i guess, i mean its not like i didnt know what i was talking about, but after not being at school in a few days and trying to finish all of the work that was due, it was kind of unnecessary. then in everyday law i guess sanker went a little too far in his explanation of statitory rape, and it was just really awkward for everybody. i dont know, i guess what im trying to say is that it was a very weird, and awkward day.

i need to stop doing what ive been doing...

the quick version:

so ive been sick all week, and its not the fake sick, the annoying sick, but the actual sick sick that makes you not even want to do anything. i contracted this sickness sometime on sunday or monday, and it officially kicked in on tuesday. thus being, that tuesday, i woke up, felt like shit, and since my dad was home he insisted that i go to the doctor. why go to the doctor? well i woke up with my face red and swollen and gross, and my nose was running uncontrollably.. like past tissue status. so i get there, and she says its completely viral, and gives me some horsepills to take after meals. which means that i have to eat meals. three a day. instead of my usual five small things. whatever, so anyway, cousin shannon and yasmin and nick and isaac had pssas. and being the friend i am i was like yeah whatever ill drive you all home. well we decide to go to perkins, and i got a milkshake and it felt better but not really... and then at three after i dropped is and nick off, the three of us had a non-missable work meeting at bushkill falls. and i get there, and nicole had the same sickness as me, so we sat confined in the corner. so everything with that went well, and i think i might switch into retail or take an internship there. that really isnt my thing but i guess i can use all the internships i can get... i came home, took the rest of the meds and went to bed. next few days were the same deal, feeling like shit and not wanting to do anything. because of the whole ordeal i lost two more pounds. well im feeling better now, and since my brothers home we went out to the mall.. and i got a pair of pants TWO sizes smaller than usual. so despite the shittyness, im feeling okay. but i still need cough drops. ughh.

what goes around comes around ay.

stefs in tahoe for a few days. she left yesterday. which means she didnt come to powderpuff practice. but i hope she kicks all of the snow asses.

powderpuff was awesome. the size difference between us and the juniors is sick. its like our food was microwaved when we were kids. sick radiation. anyway, justine is quarterback, and shes pretty good. so basically i guess what i mean is that were going to win, of course.

and joe is hard to block. this is because i got the lovely, prestigious position of lineman.
yeah, tell me about it. me, maria, and britney. hot damn.

i gave myself a haircut/trim today. just the pieces on the bottom that were bothering me, and i trimmed my bangs, so i have emo bangs again. only not so emo as they are bangs. i dont know, youll see.

i have to leave tomorrow afternoon to get my brother at pennstate. i miss him, lots. when youre parents tell you "spend time now because youll miss him once he goes to college," listen dudes. because let me tell you, as much as we fight and what not, i cant imagine how im lucky enough to have such an intelligent, understand brother. i know this sounds fucking gay, but im serious. so i dont know what my parents are doing for my graduation present, but if we go somewhere amazing, like hawaii where we went for my brothers, i hope he can go before he has to leave for his internship. i hate you university park, and im jealous that your sidewalks see more of my brother than i do.

canterbury tale was a bitch. no one got it. shitheads.

ps. i had one of those kashi go lean bars today. oh my god. it weighs, literally, a full pound, and hits your stomache like, i dont know, TEN!? but whatever. dad said "eat it, its good for you." yeah, okay, maybe for the kids in ethiopia.

i know that was mean, but thats the kind of mood im in.

time to go.

i had the worst fucking headache today. not even one that was tolerable, but one that was so persistant and annoying that didnt even go away after i passed out for a couple hours.

i dont get it... sometimes people just arent what they seem to be,
and they tend to always prove their stupidity and ignorance with
just one word... its kind of dissapointing. but thats life.

i decided im going to dye my hair darker. im not going through
an emo stage, i just dont like the color it is now. i dont know.

what do you think.

the fashion well went well i guess.
i dont know, i guess ill hear everyones opinions tomorrow.
i guess spending that much time on it was kind of unnecessary, it all worked out.
but after we were done decorating we all went to los tres amigos and ate the most food ive eaten in three months. and it was freaking awesome. counting my calories all the time and portioning myself gets boring after a while, and catherine and amanda convinced me that mexican is always worth it. which i know it is. so hot damn. and then i got all my work back from school, all of the work i was stressing about having time to finish and everything like that. i feel kind of bad that i havent been in everyday law for a while, but i know that when i am there my opinion is heard. so i guess if he has to he can base my grade on that. health is whatever, we drew fruits. and justine makes pretty limes. and english, whatever. if you cant find anything to take points off for but the mla section, thats fine. as long as i keep my gpa. full ride, full ride, full ride...


i bought some shirts the other day, in a size medium.
and they fit me perfectly. another goal has been reached.
even though my weight is still at a platuea.
my next goal is to drop a jean size. my size now fits me the way
its actually supposed to, but another jean size would blow my mind.
i just want to be healthy, and happy and able to do anything without
being so self concious all the time. but whatever, ill get there.

a lot of friends are going to esu, so i wont be alone.

thank goodness.


i played raquetball there the other day and got hit in the head.

ahaha..

i need to start controlling myself. i havent written in a while which means i havent written down what ive eaten in a while either, both of which worked for me in the weight loss process.... tonight i had a brownie with ice cream. i dont know why, because it tastes good, but its not as satisfying as it would have been a few months ago. i think its because i know its not worth it, because its always the first few bites of something that tastes the best. but because of it, i told my mom that id shovel the driveway tomorrow to get some excercise, and then my uncles next door because he had wrist surgery. and then his parents deck, because they live with them in a seperate part of the house. shoveling burns off more calories than running would anyway, so i think itll be good. i also convinced my mom to buy me a treadmill to put in the basement when its too cold or even hot outside to do anything. but the toilet in the basement overflowed today, i know it sounds gross, but we finally got it fixed. im kind of nervous putting it down there because of that, and if we have a really heavy rain storm it might get damp, but i guess thats where itll have to go.


i feel like im really getting off track with this, and remembering why im doing this whole lifechanging thing in the first place... i dont want the diseases ive been hearing about on tv. i dont want my kids to be overweight because of my eating habits. i dont even want to go to college and get that dreaded freshman fifteen. ive hit a plataeu where the scale doesnt want to move.... which i guess is good, but its not good enough for me. ill get those three more pounds to make it total 20 lost.. and then some.

watch me, i will.